Villain Hero and Victim How Not To Be All Three chris Milbank
The hero jumps into save the young lad having all his wages taken away by his greedy boss, the victim the young lad is so grateful to the hero citing his Villain boss as evil and nasty, the villain then tells the hero the young lad owed him twice as much money and that he was wrong to intervene, the hero feels upset and is now the victim, who now blames the young lad for inciting dishonesty and the young lad becomes the real villain, whilst the once villain boss, comforts the hero who has now become the victim in all this. Does this sound familiar when we jump into help or we are a victim or a villain and there is blame involved, we will jump from each of these positions, until we can step off and create some neutrality.
The three points on this triangle make a very stable structure each point travels round becoming the next point, until you step out of the triangle you will inevitably keep going from victim to hero to villain and round and round, until you can take a perfectly neutral stance.
Before I take you down the path of how and whilst your curiosity is building and you are matching this to the relevance in work,families, relationships and so forth, I will talk about each of the three points.
Heroes have often been a victim themselves in their lives, been hurt or poor taken advantage of and what they feel internally they want to put right externally. Heroes will find victims, it helps them to feel good helping those that may have suffered as they did.
However Heroes need victims too, if there isn’t always one about they will find one or may even unconsciously make a situation a bit worse to rescue one, remember they are fixing their internal feelings and bad experiences to feel less bad and also feel good. Heroes also need villains and so sometimes makes out that someone is more of a villain than what they really are, they can be considered goody goody two shoes too , as well as being some peoples idol.
Victims can be very genuine of course at times, but consider this they can be really manipulative, like be with me I don’t want to be alone, be my friend and not like x y or z and I will be your friend forever, yes lets go out but don’t tell your other friends I don’t want to see them or go to that restraunt bar theater etc because they make me feel bad. Victims will make you feel guilty or ashamed of your own choices to help get the sympathy and love they feel they need. They can wrap a hero around their little finger calling on them time and time again, they will become more and more reliant on being saved, they will create villains just to get the attention. Of course though when we have been a genuine victim we hate the actions that put us there and perhaps sav e others from the same mistakes, e can toughen up learn to look after ourselves and even become a hero.
Now Villains get all the bad press, yes there can be some very nasty actions and behaviours by some out there, but consider these points, givers attract takers, some people take and take and take, because some people like to give and give and give, but when they have nothing else to give they blame the takers and call them villains. Without a hundred villains we wouldn’t have probably a thousand heroes, one bad person may commit a hundred crimes and turn 100 people into heroes and protectors. Villains teach people how to toughen up they can take people through a threshold where they will take no more shit. A villain is often perceived wrong because a victim manipulates and makes out someone is worse than what they are, so it’s in the interest of a victim but also a hero to have a villain even when they never existed, it’s part of the blame game. Having had a few try to bully me at school I learned off them to react instantaneously and the weakest bullies fell, the strongest ones didn’t bother me they admired me for hitting back, thank christ for small villains they prepared me for the big ones.
An incident where a man I guess on cocaine and alcohol built like Terminator thought I was eyeing his wife up, (I was looking at the bread shelf in the supermarket behind them) he thought he was being hero and saving his victim wife at being oogled, so he ran at me to knock me over, I shouted out in a victims high pitch voice that I was gang raped at 13 and castrated, he stopped in his tracks I had shocked him broke his state and he had found another victim, his wife became a hero too, I said I could never look at a woman because of my castration they were shocked and off they went, we broke the triangle with a massive shock that the triangle three points broke in to into two there were now two victims, I stepped back with neutrality bowed waved good bye and said thank you. Of course this never happened to me, and this is a risky way of breaking the triangle, a certain amount of skill timing intuition people handling and dramatics were needed.
So two people are squabbling blaming each other no respond ability the ability to respond responsibly, they both feel like they are the victim you are in the middle and all the logical answers do not balance an emotional argument.
You say to each victim/ villain, “you cannot flick a switch on the other person to change their thinking or behaviour, they have heard your points and emotionally they are upset , so the only power you have is over yourself, so now no if’s or buts you have to do whatever is right for you, whatever you feel is right, they may or may not like that and then they will have to do what is right for them”.
Now they will add if’s and buts in, you do not get drawn in, you do not give your opinion at this point, just keep saying “do what is right for you” and tell them you will say the same to them, because all has already been exhausted, the logic said the emotion expressed etc.
What happens is that immediately you are not drawn in, the triangle that stable structure begins to collapse. You are more neutral, you may need a bit of RR to prevent yourself from stepping back on the triangle, if you step on it escalates stay off it will collapse, unless they both choose a new hero, but if so it has collapsed for you. I have seen so many triangles collapse by either villain, victim or hero stepping off, they may even listen to you and do what is best for them and they will feel better and that is another happier person. Remember man y try to please others doing the blimming hero bit bt do the wrong thing. Remember each of these three has a good and a bad point in them, but lets not underestimate how a hero and a victim can be manipulative and worsen a situation it’s not always the so called villain. Anyway some of those Hollywood films have great villains and they can be a lot of fun. woooohahahahha okay time for a cuppa.
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best wishes chris Milbank